Reluctantly

I admit it

Reluctantly, but still,

This desire to Surrender

If I know how,

Tired of this burden

Sometimes life

Ticked down to nothing,

How many hours now

Have been dragged along

In solitude?

Pushed past razor’s

Edge against wrist

Of surrender-

If I knew how.

Those moments always settled

By fist-imprinted rock bottoms

Of foes’ sharp tongues

Thrust through ” I told you”s

I cannot give them

Even that

So small a victory,

Though I should surrender

If I knew how.

 

I survive by defiance

And a fear they’re right,

Because I am a monster

with visage and past

Violent as any horror

Movie Villain-

I know this.

But I still can’t

Seem to figure

What the fuck

Is so wrong

with being me

That it makes everyone leave

Then I remember

Reluctantly, but still,

I’d leave me too

If I knew how.

 

About “Reluctantly”

This is less a poem than it is a vomitus emoting on the page. “Reluctantly” is what results from most of sessions at the “desk” ( I actually write on my bunk, though I occasionally kick my feet up on the desk) when I’m writing to purge but can’t seem to capture my thoughts on the page. I figure this happens when I haven’t yet obsessed enough 🙂

Believe it or not, this is a revision of “Reluctantly”, I just can’t seem to get it right. I’m never really done working on a poem, so I’ll continue to play with this one even though I think it will never be anything more that practice.

Anyway, I decided to share “Reluctantly” because I feel this way a lot of the time and I guess I wonder if anyone else does too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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to the girl I love

A raging storm-geeky, punk rock, pin-up style breed

Joystick in hand, she ravages Assassin’s Creed

Relentless as typhoon driven tides, twice as free

Here’s to the girl I love, who ever she be!

An artistic, intelligent, fierce Valkyrie.

At home battling orcs on land or sea.

Bookish, hawkish, and totally in to me!

Here’s to the girl I love, who ever she be!

Knowledgeable in movies, comics and the world’s woes.

Holds her own in debate, keeps me on my toes.

Looks great in a black dress, or plain white t.

Here’s to the girl I love, who ever she be!

Mother of our children, partner, confident, wife.

Pillar when I collapse, heroine who levels-up my life

Willing to read my crap poems or dress as a sexy fairy

Here’s to the girl I love, who ever she be!

It matters not if she likes crowds or evenings alone

not if she can cook, clean or is deaf to all tone

It’s the cool factor I long for, a real woman I need

Here’s to the girl I love, where ever could she be?

As constant and strong as these solid cell bars

who won’t leave or cheat because of these walls,

who won’t flee, but keep me on a string ’til I’m free

Here’s to the girl I love, I wish she’d hurry to me!

About, “To the Girl I love”

Someone lent me a collection of poetry from Ireland, much of it going back far enough that it could only be attributed to “Anonymous.” I came across one such poem in which the narrator pines for his perfect love. The original “To the girl I love” was concerned chiefly with physical beauty and I began to imagine the narrator marrying the ideal he described only to discover he and his new wife had nothing in common. Not even in my day dream did such a marriage end happily. I  wrote ” To the Girl I love” (the “I” is emphasized in my version as a response, as my longing call for my dream woman.

I wanted to rebel against the spirit of the original while maintaining it’s idea. Initially I planned to avoid using any physical descriptors. Eventually, I decided that a complete absence of the physical would be dishonest; I do care about physical attraction in a potential partner. I’m fortunate in that physical beauty is low on my list of priorities, I’m attracted to multiple body types and the more I get to like someone as a person the more physically attractive I find them, so I was able to give an abstract “looks great” while remaining honest about my desires. The original is sort of a tavern ballad, mine takes a more serious turn at the fifth stanza-which is where I play directly against the originals catalog of non-physical ideal traits (cooking, cleaning, beautiful singing voice) so, a tonal shift also seemed an appropriate way of rebelling against the original. This piece was intended for fun, mostly. Unless you actually know this girl.